Yesterday, I celebrated 11 years of marriage with my husband. It wasn't much of a celebration by anyone's standards, especially in comparison with our celebration of our 10th anniversary last year, which included a trip to Cancun. Sal attended the Dayspring Men's Retreat this past weekend; they got back on Sunday, our anniversary. But he was scheduled to finish a side job that he had been working on for the past couple of weeks as soon as he got back, and it wound up taking the rest of the evening. On top of that, I had a jewelry show scheduled for that night. I picked him up from the church at 3 o'clock, and he needed to be at his friend's house to complete that job by 4:30. So we found ourselves with about an hour together out of the whole day to celebrate. But during that hour, as we purposed to push everything else out of our minds and just enjoy our one hour together, I found a greater degree of intimacy than I had anticipated.
For the past several weeks, as we've been bombarded with the busyness that always comes with this time of the year for us, I have been really feeling the strain. We were constantly separated from each other, and have only had the family together for dinner twice or three times in the past 5 weeks. It was getting to the point where being apart started to feel "normal", and we found ourselves getting easily irritated with each other whenever we spent more than an hour or so in each other's company. I found myself wondering why I had ever wanted to be married in the first place, wondering what it must feel like to just be free and single again. I found myself wishing that I could just leave, walk away from it all. In fact (and I say this to my own shame) I started feeling so stressed and frustrated that, at times, I would begin to feel an overwhelming urge to run to the van, start it up, and drive away without looking back. No map, no phone, no direction - I just wanted to leave, to run away from it all. Then the guilt would come for having such selfish feelings, for entertaining such ideas at the expense of my children and husband who all need me here. Instead of setting the example of turning to God to help me through a rough time, all I was showing was to try to run away from it all.
Last week, I confided in a trusted friend, and she gave me wise counsel and then she prayed for me. I agreed with her to begin afresh, starting every day with prayer that God would open my heart up to my husband again. That was a turning point for me. When he came back yesterday from the Men's Retreat, and we spent one hour together, I felt a renewed sense of love and passion for him that I had not felt in some time. Our conversation was so sweet and refreshing to me. I sensed that he had grown in the Lord while he was there at the Retreat, even though we didn't spend much time talking about it. It seemed to be such a healing thing for both of our hearts, that we each purposed to push everything else that needed to be done aside, and devote that one hour only to each other. I appreciated it from him, and felt valued and loved. He seemed to feel validated and appreciated also. We parted company yesterday with laughter and anticipation of seeing each other after our work was complete.
When we went to bed last night, tired as we both were, we wound up staying awake until after midnight, just talking and talking like we did when we were first married. He shared all about the Retreat then, and I talked about my weekend with the kids and so on. I so enjoyed just conversing with him; it was refreshing and fun. We fell asleep holding hands, something we have not done in years. I slept peacefully and woke up to his gentle hand on my arm, waking me up for a goodbye kiss before leaving for work (he found a temporary job the day before leaving for the retreat). I feel very optimistic, that God is doing a work in both of our hearts, but I can't help noticing that it didn't happen until I stopped asking God to change Sal and started asking God to change me. It would seem that the "Lord, change ME" prayer was what He was waiting for.
If you, like me, have been struggling to find intimacy or meaning in your marriage relationship, let me point you to my Source of Help - Jesus. When I stopped telling Him how to fix everything, and simply asked for help and submitted to His plan, I started seeing a difference. Slowly, I can see that He is giving me a new perspective, and a new heart. One of the most meaningful Scriptures to me is Ezekiel 36:26-29. The first time I read this passage was in 2007, not long after Lexy was born. I have loved it since the first time I read it, and it still brings me to tears even to this day. It says, "And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh, and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put My Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in My statutes and be careful to obey My rules. You shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers, and you shall be My people, and I will be your God. I will deliver you from all your uncleanness and I will summon the grain, and make it abundant and lay no famine upon you."
I have been praying this passage since last week when I began to pray that God would turn my heart toward my husband. The first morning after I spoke with my friend, when I began to pray, He brought this passage to my mind, and I began to pray that, in addition to turning my heart toward my husband, that God would give me a new heart, a heart of flesh instead of stone, one that wants to walk in God's ways. I believe He is honoring that prayer. May I suggest, Friend, that He would honor a similar prayer from you too? If you are struggling in this area, as I was, please know that I am available to pray with you and encourage you and hold you accountable, as my wonderful friend did for me. I believe that if God can change me in spite of my ridiculous level of stubbornness, then He can change you too!
