Ever feel overwhelmed??

That's about what I'm feeling right now. Remember my last post, when I said that it was everything I could do to squeeze five days out of my busy schedule for my 10th anniversary celebration in Cancun? I only thought the first two days after coming back was the worst of it. I'm STILL paying for that time away. It seems like the life of relative ease with just three children, all my own, with no help from the State that I traded in for this life with eight children, the State being in my business, and all the busyness thereof, is just snickering and taunting me from the far reaches of my memory. Oh, for the days of small cars, grocery shopping trips that only required one basket, and only two laundry days per week! My dear internet Void, I must confess that, as horrible a mother as it makes me, I sometimes wish with all my heart that I had not undertaken this challenge. Had I not undertaken this challenge, I would be an RN by now, finished with my education and working at a hospital near me making close to $50,000 a year working only three days per week. And yet, here I find myself, up to my elbows in whining, fighting, name-calling, dirty dishes, dirty clothes, a dirty house that is one fourth the size we need it to be, teenage drama, dentist and doctors appointments galore, and a dirty, ugly bus of a 15 passenger van that is falling apart (literally). It's at times like this that it is most difficult to answer the question that haunts my conscience: Was it really worth it? My heart cries out, "Yes! YES!! Yes, it WAS worth it! Don't worry, Jen, this too shall pass!! You'll see! It IS worth it!" But my tired body, which feels 42 years of age instead of my actual 28, and my exhausted mind seem to be dubious. Doubtful. Unsure. I've been thinking seriously about putting the school age children back in public school. But the unrest that I feel when I think about it is almost equal to my feelings of failure when I think about keeping them here at home, supposedly under the protection of my wings, laughable as it is. What is a person to do when one answer produces an ungodly anxiety, and the other answer makes one want to faint for sheer terror of the incomprehensible ENORMITY of the challenge, making failure practically imminent? There are no other alternatives. It's one or the other. Face Hell, or face Goliath. And that is only one small fraction of the decisions that must be faced. Our home, which is currently to be compared with sardines packed in a can (a very old, falling apart can), seems to be refusing to be sold, leaving us in a most uncomfortable position. How can we keep on hoping that God has a house better suited for us, when He is clearly not causing that to happen? Our house has been on the market since the last part of July. It is now the end of October. The holidays are fast approaching, as is my brother's marriage, which will require us to move our necessities that we could most do without to make room, back in here with us; that in and of itself is an overwhelming thought. Where in love's name will we put it all?!? Alas, I know that in the grand scheme of things, this is only a fleeting issue. Before I know it, the children will be grown and moved away, having families of their own. Their perspectives of their respective childhoods will be different from my perspective, I dare say. Jesus said, "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Right now, my heart is in the midst of an epic tug-of-war between these earthly cares, and Godly pursuits. Which one is my treasure REALLY in, if indeed, as Jesus said, "you will know them by their fruits". I confess, dear Void, sometimes I don't really think I want to see the answer to that question. Pray for me, please. I feel so weak sometimes.