Reflections, Part Five: Looking Ahead

     The term "looking ahead" has changed significantly in meaning for me as the years have passed:
Eleven years ago, when Mercy was born, the term "looking ahead" meant looking forward to a time when rest would be plentiful once again.
Nine years ago, when Nick was born, the term "looking ahead" meant praying that my children would grow into healthy, God-honoring adults.
Five years ago, when we first received the children under the foster-care arrangement, the term "looking ahead" became extremely blurry and associated with confusion.
Four years ago, when Lexy was born, the term "looking ahead" began to carry with it a knowledge that our family was not yet complete, even in spite of my medical limitations. Three years ago, when we adopted the five children, the term "looking ahead" carried with it a range of hopes and wishes, from hoping that I survived the present month to hoping that the adopted children would somehow grow up to become functioning members of society and that the biological children would not be damaged or scarred by the upheaval and turmoil.

     Today, the term "looking ahead" has a much different feel to it. Of course, I still long for days when rest will be plentiful (although I begin to wonder if such a thing exists outside of childhood), and I definitely hope that my children will grow into functioning and productive members of society! However, there is a new depth of hope and optimism regarding the future that was not there before. For most of my life, I have felt like I was simply surviving, a waste of oxygen and carbon. I felt restless, purposeless, and useless. I felt like a failure, especially during the foster and early adoption years. But now, that negativism has been displaced by a new optimism. I am beginning now to feel alive, to feel that I have some purpose, that I am accomplishing what I was put here to do. 

     I believe that each person on this earth has a God-given desire to know that they have a purpose, and to accomplish it. However, more often than not, we struggle with the overwhelming fear that perhaps we have no purpose, and begin to wonder if our lives mean anything at all. As a person who has struggled with this fear for much of my later childhood and all of my adult life, I have to realize that I will probably still have my moments of weakness, when the fear gets the upper hand in my heart and in my mind . . . but it is a major step for me to be able to honestly say that feeling useless and purposeless is now the exception rather than the rule. 

     In essence, it would be fair to say that through me, God gave my children a home, a family, and unconditional love; but He has used them to give me a purpose, a mission on this earth, a reason to be alive. I cannot say that giving me a purpose and fulfillment is more important than what I have given them, because I would never want to minimize or discount the pain and the heartache that came with being abused and abandoned. So I will say that God has given each of us a gift that is equal to the others; He has indeed given each of us the desires of our heart.

     Today, the term "looking ahead" means watching to see how each of us can grow and mature to live out our purposes, to walk in our gifts, and to glory in His amazing blessing on our lives. No matter how deep the darkness may be that we will have to walk through from time to time in the course of our lives, we look ahead to the light that draws us ever on, nearer and nearer to Him, the Author and Finisher of our faith.

     So here we reach the end of this series, and for the record, this has been my first attempt at such an endeavor. I hope to become a better writer as I get more and more practice . . . and that is where you can help me. If you have any comments or suggestions, please feel free to leave them here for me. Also, if you have any further questions regarding our adoption journey or anything else that I may be of any help to you with, please don't hesitate to ask! Thank you for reading my blog!