There are many things I would like to discuss, and many more things that are tumbling around inside my heart and my mind, waiting for an opportunity to be expressed. But there is something about a blank page that is somewhat frightening. I am not a person to value "endless options". I appreciate having a path to follow, a guide of some sort to help me narrow my focus. A blank page means that my writing does not have a starting point... it does not even have a floor to fall down on. There is nothing. This tends to run all of those great ideas right out of my head, and I wind up staring at the computer screen or notebook page for ages without being able to nail down one solid thought.
I don't think I was always this way. I used to be more of a spontaneous person, who enjoyed the idea of "limitless opportunities". I don't know what changed, or when it changed, or why it changed, but I do know that something changed! Is it a bad thing? I am unsure at this point. Spontaneity seems to go hand in hand with a naturally positive outlook, whereas the logical-minded realist seems to be more prone to having a "serious" personality. However, I am really not sure which personality type is a better representation of my own. I know how I would characterize myself, but I have also lived long enough to know that my perceptions are usually pretty different from others' perceptions. For instance, I do not think of myself as being a "serious" person... but I bet anyone who knows me would disagree. I also think of myself as being easily confused by circumstances, one who doubts easily when I should know better... but I bet anyone who knows me would say the opposite. I also do not think of myself as being "quirky" or having a "quirky" sense of humor, but I'm sure anyone who knows me would say that is not true. And I am very sure that anyone who knows me will say the opposite of whatever I say... but I bet anyone who knows me would fall toward the other extreme... right??
What is it about reaching 30 years old that has suddenly made me want to re-examine everything in my life? For the first time, I am realizing how much I do NOT know... and I'm not scared by it. Weird, wouldn't you say - especially considering that I used to be terrified of what I did not know, back when I thought I knew much more than I do now, even though I actually DO know more now because I'm older than I was then?
This is exactly why I hate looking at a blank page... I am afraid whatever I write will turn out like this. What does turning 30 have to do with the price of eggs in China (or, for that matter, what does my age have to do with spontaneity or the lack thereof . . . and what does China have to do with any of this)??? My thoughts are running amuck, footloose and fancy free, without any consideration whatsoever for what I want or expect from them, and they come out on the page all willy-nilly, in any old slip-shod fashion that suits them at the time. This is quite embarrassing to me, though I'm sure they would never be able to understand why. But the truth of the matter is that when my thoughts are disorderly and irresponsible, it really reflects worse on me than it does on them. I have tried explaining this to them, but still they persist in their defiance. In consequence, I am compelled to relegate them to the confines of my mind until they can decide to behave themselves appropriately. Unfortunately, their being grounded necessarily means that this blog post has reached it's end, as I will be unable to properly communicate without my thoughts being present.
I do apologize for any inconvenience my thoughts' thoughtlessness may have caused you.
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