Christmas Time!

I love Christmas time!! I love the whole season! It's such a happy time, full of joy and childish wonder and suspense. . . I LOVE it!

Because we have such a huge family, we don't have just one Christmas. We have several. We have a Christmas with my brothers and sisters, one with my parents, one with our close family friends, one with Sal's adoptive parents, one with my dad's mom, and one with my mom's parents, plus our own here at home. So we literally have seven days of Christmas. . . we're working on 12, LOL! I'm sure we'll get there soon!

I LOVE CHRISTMAS TIME!!!!!!

A lesson in humility

I just so totally had my behind handed to me on a platter - and by a kid!
Here's the thing. Some punk kid spit on Nick at the playground. I have recently had a HUGE problem with other kids being mean to my kids and encouraging them to do things that are clearly wrong (i.e. one kid told my sons "I hate your mom and I want to slap the s**t out of her"). Not the same kid that spit on Nick, but anyway.... so I lost my temper when they came busting through the door telling me that some kid spit on Nick.
I threw my shoes on and stomped out there. He was on the basketball court with several other boys, one of them a young teenager. I started yelling and screaming at him that he better not ever spit on one of my kids again and so on. All I was really accomplishing was making myself look like a hysterical fool. The teenager finally came up to me and said, "Uh, Ma'am, I don't mean to get in your business or anything, but you really shouldn't be talking to a little kid like that."
I told him, "Well, thank you for your opinion but you can just stay out of this!"
I stalked off after making sure that the kid was clear on what I had said.
But even as I walked away, I felt overwhelming conviction that what I had done was very wrong. At first I tried to justify to myself why it was okay, but I knew that I had lost control, and made a mockery of Christ's Name, which I carry. I came home, cried, prayed, read my Bible, and asked forgiveness. Sal called and asked how close dinner was to being ready, that he was very hungry. So I began immediately preparing dinner in a mad flurry, but I couldn't dismiss the feeling that I needed to seek forgiveness.
I couldn't leave the house with the stove on and in the middle of dinner preparations, so, even though I felt cowardly by not going over there myself, I finally decided to just send Mercy over there with a message, because I didn't want to "let the sun go down" on my anger. I told her to tell them that I was sorry not to come in person, that they were welcome to walk over to my house if they wanted to so I could talk to them in person, but if they didn't want to, that Mercy could tell them what I wanted to say.
They didn't come, so she told them that I wanted to say that the young man was right in what he said, and that I was sincerely sorry for having lost my temper and said things out of anger. And I told her to say to the young man that I think it was a very honorable thing for him to be able to stand up for a kid to an adult that he doesn't even know.
Do you know what his response was? He told Mercy to tell me, "You are forgiven. And may Jesus bless you."
Can you imagine how foolish and childish I felt? That I was proven to be a child, and he was proven to be a man of God, and he had to be the example that I should have been....
I feel so humiliated, and very humbled.
Not to say that I'm thankful for having lost my temper and acted like a moron, because I most certainly am not. I am ashamed of my behavior, but I do thank God for this opportunity to be humbled, because I know that He opposes the proud, but that He gives grace to the humble.

I definitely am in need of some of that grace.

On Our Nation

I want to make it clear to everyone out there reading this: I truly have mixed emotions about our most recent election. Make no mistake about it, I supported McCain/Palin, and I still wish they had won. But I want to also make a point about something that still weighs on my heart. I am honestly glad that we have come to a place in our country where we can elect a person of color as the president. In all truthfulness, I wondered many times as a child and teenager why all the presidents were white men, why no black man ever ran for president. And I can say with every fiber in my being that I am so happy to see that we elected somebody of color. I truly hope that now, once and for all, people can stop focusing on racism and we can really come together as one nation under God, no matter what our differences are. That being said, I must clarify one thing: I do not believe that BARAK HUSSEIN OBAMA is black. His mother is as white as me, and his father is (or was) a muslim radical from Kenya, and that does not imply that his father was a native of Kenya, it just means that's where he lived. And yet Mr. Obama claims to have made history as the first "black" president. Of course, that claim isn't true, which means that he resorted to using "race" falsely as a means to get a vote. I don't think any man should be elected as president if he can't first and foremost be HONEST!!
So, as I said, I have mixed feelings about the whole thing. I don't think he was the best choice for president, but I am truly so happy that we have finally come to the point as a nation of including all races in the race for the White House.

True Joy

I feel so happy right now.... I just posted the funniest video in the world. My son tried to catch a roach and put it in a gatorade bottle. I heard what he was trying to do so I grabbed the camera. I guess some people would be put off by something like that, but, for me, I'm just so happy to have my kids doing "normal" kid stuff, as goofy as that sounds. I'm just happy to have some regular drama. This very same son, three nights ago, opened up to Sal and I about the memories that still plague him from before they came to us. He remembered seeing his mother nearly choked to death by her boyfriend. He remembered being called names by this same man. He remembered hearing the sounds of his mother being beaten in the next room countless times. But most of all, he remembers being left at home alone, day after day after day, with his 11 year old sister, with no dinner, and no provisions for dinner, while they worked until well after dark. Today, I saw him smiling and happy and doing normal boy things, and it warmed my heart to no end. I thank God repeatedly for saving my son. After we had talked to Daniel and finally got him in bed, I suddenly heard the sound of soft sobbing. I went in the room, and found that it was Nick. He had heard Daniel talking and crying over these memories. His heart was broken over what his beloved big brother had endured. He climbed up into Daniel's bed and was just holding him and crying over and over, "It's just so terrible that you had to go through that. It's just so terrible!" Daniel and Nick forged a bond that night that I presume will never be broken.
Today, they caught a roach together.
I couldn't be happier.

HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!!!!

I FINALLY got my old, newer computer back..... meaning I don't have to deal with that old dinosaur that Sal has insisted on keeping for no apparent reason, which in turn means that it's not taking me the usual 10 minutes just to get on this page!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm very excited to just be able to click and ..... WHOOSH.... it's ALREADY THERE!!!! This is so exciting, you know, technological advances and stuff; who would have believed back in the 90's that it would be possible to pull up hundreds of pictures and web sites without bogging your computer down so bad that it would freeze and you'd have to restart it?!?!? THIS IS SOOOOOOO COOL!!!!!!! I feel like a giddy teenager squealing over some new purchase or something novel and yet stupid like that.... I don't know. I'm just happy to have my computer back. A million thanks to Nate for fixing it for me!!

SHOCKER!!!!!

We received a random call from a friend..... she knows a guy who is trying to sell his auto shop, and she thought Sal might be interested... just for "kicks and grins" we called the guy, and he made it very clear that he wants to sell it to someone who will be honest and take good care of his customers. He said he was willing to work with us, and even owner-finance most of it (he would ask for part of it up front) if we needed him to. He's almost 60 years old, and is ready to retire. The business brings in almost 200,000 a year. The only thing is, it's about two hours west of here, past Bandera. We'd be leaving everything behind. We don't know anyone except that one couple, and they are actually my parents' friends. This town is very, very, very small; in fact, the graduating class last May was 8 people. It's something to think about, that's for dang sure.... anyone reading this, please pray that God would give us wisdom to make the right choice.

Patience: The Bane Of My Existence

I am so not a patient person.... patience is the one thing that I struggle with more than anything else. *sigh* I hate this struggle. Why is it my tendency to just snap and jump to conclusions, instead of being predisposed to hear the reason why a certain thing was done?? Patience is the one thing I want that seems to be completely unattainable. I know in reality, it is attainable, but I'm not patient enough to want to go through all the work to get it! *another sigh* I know, I'm hopeless....

It's All Worth It In The End...

So many things I'm thankful for, in spite of the craziness that surrounds my life with my new family. It's actually starting to get to the point where I look back on when it was just Sal, me, Mercy and Nick, and I think, "Oh, my word, how boring! What on earth did we DO??" Just the other night, we were sitting around the table (actually we have to have two tables, because we don't all fit at one; the two boys sit at a folding table next to the big one), and Sal was asking the kids about their day. One of them started in, detailing everything from waking up to the moment that Daddy walked in the door. The other kids were jumping in, adding their comments, and everyone was laughing and joking together.... tears came to my eyes, and my breath caught in my chest as I took in each and every smiling face, just so thankful for that small moment. It was like an out-of-body experience or something, and it suddenly hit me how soon this would all be over with, and it would just be me and Sal by ourselves again. God help me to always keep things in perspective, to remember that my life, Sal's life, the lives of the children, are but a wisp of smoke, passing so quickly from one stage to the next, and it will all be over before we know it; all our chances to make our time here eternally worthwhile will be gone. Help me to be more diligent to make the most of my time here with the children!

Vegetarianism

So, here's the scary thing; I've started looking at a lot of vegetarian dishes. Not because I want to go fully vegetarian, but because I hate that our diet practically REVOLVES around meat. It's so unhealthy, you know, we hardly get any vegetables in our diet. The typical dinner involves meat of one kind or another, with mashed potatoes and either canned corn or canned green beans----- BORING!!!! I have almost no imagination; I can't even think of anything different. I'm really struggling here, because every thing I see, all I get met with is, "Ew, GROSS!! I don't wanna eat THAT!" from all the kids, and, honestly from myself too. So tonight I tried a new recipe, called Southwestern Spaghetti Squash. All in all, it could have been alot worse, but, me being the perfectionist I am, I would consider it a failure. First of all, it had a thing on there to calculate the ingredients for however many servings you need. So I put in ten servings, one for each of us. Somehow, it SERIOUSLY over-calculated!!! It made so much, I would probably have enough to feed at least twenty people. It took forever, and, although it tasted basically good, I quickly realized that there were several alterations that I would make to make it better, besides scaling it down dramatically. I guess, overall, it was a success because I tried something new, which is way out of my comfort zone, and nobody except the baby threw up, and I think that was only because she had too much food in her mouth at one time. Still, it really irks me that I spent so much money on this food, and I have so much excess that we won't eat. I don't know.... I need some better ideas.... I'm a little bit irritated right now....

Defending me

Since October 17, 1999, I have had one major problem..... my dearly beloved husband just is not a confrontational man, and when his family would start saying horrible things about me, he would never defend me. His defense was to just leave the situation, but he would never say anything to them. This hurt me tremendously, because I felt like he didn't really think I was worth defending. It has taken nearly all of these nine years for me to understand that it just comes from his inability to confront. The words just escape him, and he literally can get nothing to come out because he is so angry. Well, the other night, my brother in law sent a text message that contained some highly inappropriate things. Sal and I were laying together across the bed, talking, when it came in, so we both read it together. Needless to say, another argument ensued, as all my hurt feelings at not being defended once again rose to the surface. He in turn got angry with me, suggesting that I somehow "invited" or "encouraged" this behavior by even having communication with him in the first place. Finally, in a rage, I jumped up, grabbed my phone, and angrily stomped out of the house, flinging, "Well, if you're too afraid to deal with this, then I guess I'll just have to!" back over my shoulder. Out into the yard I went, dialing my brother in law's number with shaking fingers. Suffice to say, when our conversation was finished, I had said everything I wanted to say and then some, but, even though he apologized, it was NOT with sincerity, and I did not feel any better. Sal had followed me outside and listened to my end of the conversation. When I hung up, I went back inside without a word to him. He came in and asked me, "Well, what did he say?" I said bitterly, "If you wanted to know then YOU should have been the one on the phone with him!" Not much else was said that night after I told him, "I think you're afraid of your brother. The question is, why?" The next day, the kids and I left for our annual camping trip with my side of the family. Sal and I had "made up" that morning before he left for work, but it still didn't feel the same. My feelings were still very hurt. That night, I called him after I had put the kids down to sleep in their tents. He said, "I need a minute with you to tell you something.... I just got back from dealing with my brother." That statement nearly dropped me to my knees. I had to ask for clarification. He wouldn't give me any details, except to say that he got one of his other brothers to go with him, and when he was done, my brother in law knew not to mess with me again. It took me a few days just to really let that one sink in. Sal finally got up there Friday afternoon, and it just so happened that my oldest and I had gotten into a serious confrontation. Without even saying anything to him one way or the other, he called her over to him, asked her what was going on, gave her a few minutes to explain, and then completely handled the situation without one ounce of input from me. I just sat there, stunned. Could this really be MY husband that I had known for ten years sitting next to me??
All in all, I have to say that just that one incident has done so much to soothe over my hurt. I truly hope that one day, I can make him understand just how much it meant to me that he made a decisive stand for me.

Dealing with stomach viruses

Yes, it's that time of year once again, and I have been given a brutal introduction.... Thursday morning dawned very early for me. About 1:30am to be exact, with a tentative knock on my bedroom door. I sleepily opened it to find Nick in tears, saying, "I just wanted to let you know that I accidentally threw up on my bed." I moaned in a way that all mothers are familiar with, and went to survey the damage. After stripping the bed, washing the pillow, and spraying the mattress, I set him up on big garbage bags on the couch, thinking that we probably wouldn't need them, that it was probably just something he ate that disagreed with his stomach. Three hours later, there was another knock on the door. This time Nick was telling me that he only threw up on the garbage bag and just got a little bit on the couch. Sighing, I set to cleaning up that mess, when Mercy barged out of her room and ran, gagging, into the bathroom. I finally put Nick on a sleeping bag on the kitchen tile and told him to stay there. I did the same for Mercy, then stripped her bed, washed her pillow, and sprayed her mattress. I laid down on the clean couch, and slept for about an hour and a half, then woke up to two screaming babies. When I went to get them up, one of them had vomit strung from one end of the crib to the other and was covered from head to toe. It was at this moment that my worst fears were realized: STOMACH VIRUS! I stumbled through my tears to tell my husband what was going on. He was in the bathroom, also throwing up. When I went back out to the living area, all the other kids were awake. I was telling them what was going on when I heard the all-too-familiar "plop"; Savannah, my three year old, had just thrown up on the kitchen floor.
And thus went our day for the next eight hours. Mercy, Nick and Savannah traded off time in front of the trash can that I put in the kitchen for the purpose, and we just cleaned up after the baby as best we could. Needless to say, I was exhausted by the end of the day. The next day was okay, but then Saturday morning, when I got the babies up, Camrie had explosive diarrhea (once again all over the bed), so we put her on a plastic mat on the floor to begin cleaning her up. Lexy was not too far away getting her diaper changed when suddenly, she began gushing vomit all over my teenager and my carpet. Then Savannah joined in later on, all over her plate and the table at lunchtime, and again at dinner. Then today, my teenager started it, and we're missing church right now.
I just wonder, why are there always stragglers? Why can't it just hit everyone and then we can be done with it? I guess it's just one of those "badges of honor" that mothers wear eventually, when they hear their own kids start talking about how "hard" it is to be a parent or whatever. I don't know.... but this too shall pass, and Mom is trying to convince me that one day, all too soon, it will be over, and I will wish for these days back. I'm actually starting to believe her...

Dreams

I just had the most psycho dream ever!! I dreamed that I and my family lived in a wooden shack with my parents, brothers, and sisters, and even some of my extended family. Suddenly, Sal and I were outside arguing. He pulled my dad's .357 pistol on me. When he momentarily looked away at something, I grabbed the gun and pointed it at him threateningly. He had jumped back when I did that, so now I tried to get closer in case he tried to run. He shook his head at me and told me, "Oh, no you don't! I've got the gun!" and he pulled out another pistol and pointed it directly at me. I said, "Well, I've got a bigger gun!" and brandished the .357 at him. Then his expression hardened, and I saw him start to squeeze the trigger. I couldn't make myself believe that he would really shoot me, much less make myself try to run away. Then it happened. The gun fired, and I felt the bullet sink into my heart. I couldn't breathe, but somehow managed to stay on my feet. I was amazed that I still had the strength to stand, and wondered how long it would last. Sal looked at me with an expression of mixed fear, anguish, and glee. Then I pulled the trigger of the .357, firing a shot that dropped him to the ground where he stood. I stumbled away, trying desperately to catch my breath. I went upstairs to the bathroom and saw my clothes and left arm soaked in blood. As I was attempting to clean myself up, I sent someone to check on Sal, to see if he was really dead. They came back reporting that he was not there anymore; he must have gotten up and hidden himself somewhere. I finally found the source of the bleeding, and found that the bullet had only grazed me deeply, but had not lodged in anywhere. As I was putting a bandage on the wounds, I saw Sal in the mirror. He had the gun in his hand and was aiming it at me. The remainder of my dream was spent with Sal hunting me. It grew ever darker, until finally, the dream ended with me in the corner of a very dark room, unable to see anything but Sal's face, as he finally broke through the barricade in the room and pointed the gun at me.
As soon as I woke up, I sent him a text message that read: Will you promise that you'll always love me no matter what, and that you'll never try to shoot me?
He sent back a bewildered: yes?
Maybe I should lay off the chocolate milk before bed....

Homeschooling

Have I truly lost complete control of my mental faculties? To think that any one person can really homeschool EIGHT kids, come on! And yet, here I am, attempting to pass knowledge on to my children without losing my temper at how absolutely scatter-brained they can be sometimes..... honestly, how many times do I really have to say "SLANT YOUR PAPER WHEN YOU WRITE!!!!!" before they comprehend that I want them to slant their paper when writing? Good grief, man! It's a wonder I haven't gone completely gray already from this!!

Decisions.....

Ok, so I get a call from The College Network, with whom I've been dealing for the past year now, trying to get things underway with finishing out my degree and getting my RN. He tells me that starting Oct. 1 (tomorrow), they're raising the tuition fees, so all the plans that I had for saving up exactly this amount of money is suddenly out the window. It'll cost me about $700 more than I had planned if I wait any longer than today..... but we're trying so hard to get out of debt!!!! I feel like pulling my hair out! We're sooooo close, why in the world would I add more debt now?? But if I don't, it'll wind up costing almost an extra grand later on! Sal seems to think that it's pointless for me to pursue it right now, because I won't even be able to use my license yet, because I'm homeschooling the kids. I don't know... I just feel confused right now. This is very frustrating when I have to make a decision, but none of the choices feel completely right; they all only feel partially right. Man, I really wish sometimes that I was Superwoman.... she could do it all.....