The Joys and Woes of Marriage

Yesterday, I celebrated 11 years of marriage with my husband. It wasn't much of a celebration by anyone's standards, especially in comparison with our celebration of our 10th anniversary last year, which included a trip to Cancun. Sal attended the Dayspring Men's Retreat this past weekend; they got back on Sunday, our anniversary. But he was scheduled to finish a side job that he had been working on for the past couple of weeks as soon as he got back, and it wound up taking the rest of the evening. On top of that, I had a jewelry show scheduled for that night. I picked him up from the church at 3 o'clock, and he needed to be at his friend's house to complete that job by 4:30. So we found ourselves with about an hour together out of the whole day to celebrate. But during that hour, as we purposed to push everything else out of our minds and just enjoy our one hour together, I found a greater degree of intimacy than I had anticipated.

For the past several weeks, as we've been bombarded with the busyness that always comes with this time of the year for us, I have been really feeling the strain. We were constantly separated from each other, and have only had the family together for dinner twice or three times in the past 5 weeks. It was getting to the point where being apart started to feel "normal", and we found ourselves getting easily irritated with each other whenever we spent more than an hour or so in each other's company. I found myself wondering why I had ever wanted to be married in the first place, wondering what it must feel like to just be free and single again. I found myself wishing that I could just leave, walk away from it all. In fact (and I say this to my own shame) I started feeling so stressed and frustrated that, at times, I would begin to feel an overwhelming urge to run to the van, start it up, and drive away without looking back. No map, no phone, no direction - I just wanted to leave, to run away from it all. Then the guilt would come for having such selfish feelings, for entertaining such ideas at the expense of my children and husband who all need me here. Instead of setting the example of turning to God to help me through a rough time, all I was showing was to try to run away from it all.

Last week, I confided in a trusted friend, and she gave me wise counsel and then she prayed for me. I agreed with her to begin afresh, starting every day with prayer that God would open my heart up to my husband again. That was a turning point for me. When he came back yesterday from the Men's Retreat, and we spent one hour together, I felt a renewed sense of love and passion for him that I had not felt in some time. Our conversation was so sweet and refreshing to me. I sensed that he had grown in the Lord while he was there at the Retreat, even though we didn't spend much time talking about it. It seemed to be such a healing thing for both of our hearts, that we each purposed to push everything else that needed to be done aside, and devote that one hour only to each other. I appreciated it from him, and felt valued and loved. He seemed to feel validated and appreciated also. We parted company yesterday with laughter and anticipation of seeing each other after our work was complete.

When we went to bed last night, tired as we both were, we wound up staying awake until after midnight, just talking and talking like we did when we were first married. He shared all about the Retreat then, and I talked about my weekend with the kids and so on. I so enjoyed just conversing with him; it was refreshing and fun. We fell asleep holding hands, something we have not done in years. I slept peacefully and woke up to his gentle hand on my arm, waking me up for a goodbye kiss before leaving for work (he found a temporary job the day before leaving for the retreat). I feel very optimistic, that God is doing a work in both of our hearts, but I can't help noticing that it didn't happen until I stopped asking God to change Sal and started asking God to change me. It would seem that the "Lord, change ME" prayer was what He was waiting for.

If you, like me, have been struggling to find intimacy or meaning in your marriage relationship, let me point you to my Source of Help - Jesus. When I stopped telling Him how to fix everything, and simply asked for help and submitted to His plan, I started seeing a difference. Slowly, I can see that He is giving me a new perspective, and a new heart. One of the most meaningful Scriptures to me is Ezekiel 36:26-29. The first time I read this passage was in 2007, not long after Lexy was born. I have loved it since the first time I read it, and it still brings me to tears even to this day. It says, "And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh, and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put My Spirit within you, and cause you to walk in My statutes and be careful to obey My rules. You shall dwell in the land that I gave to your fathers, and you shall be My people, and I will be your God. I will deliver you from all your uncleanness and I will summon the grain, and make it abundant and lay no famine upon you."

I have been praying this passage since last week when I began to pray that God would turn my heart toward my husband. The first morning after I spoke with my friend, when I began to pray, He brought this passage to my mind, and I began to pray that, in addition to turning my heart toward my husband, that God would give me a new heart, a heart of flesh instead of stone, one that wants to walk in God's ways. I believe He is honoring that prayer. May I suggest, Friend, that He would honor a similar prayer from you too? If you are struggling in this area, as I was, please know that I am available to pray with you and encourage you and hold you accountable, as my wonderful friend did for me. I believe that if God can change me in spite of my ridiculous level of stubbornness, then He can change you too!

Sticks and Stones

Matthew 5:44-45 - But I say, love your enemies, pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father in Heaven. For He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust.

Luke 6:27-28 - But I say to you, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you.

How many times have you been given an opportunity to live out this command that Jesus gave? If you've been living as one on fire for God, then I daresay you've been given many opportunities. Did Jesus not warn us that if we were going to follow Him, then we could count on oppression and persecution (John 15:20-22)? Yet, even having been warned, I believe this is one of the hardest commands for us to obey. It is never easy to "turn the other cheek" (Luke 6:29). It is difficult to allow others to abuse you without retaliation. I was recently in a situation like this, and it took some time before my feelings and emotions were adequately controlled so that I could pray for the one who was cursing me. In this area, I do feel as though I've come a long way. My "recovery time", so to speak is much quicker than it used to be, and God's words are never far from my heart when I must walk through a valley of mistreatment.

But I am nowhere near as docile and passive when the slander involves my husband, children, parents, or siblings. To those whom I count more dear than myself, I cannot bear to hear of malicious treatment. It makes my blood boil within me, and I am nearly unable to restrain myself from paying out a swift retribution in the most vicious manner conceivable to me at the moment. Even if I could convince myself that only the person being abused must pray for his enemies, to be quite frank with you, if a person becomes an enemy of my husband, or my children, or my other family, they become my enemies as well, so that command still applies to me. As my pastor so eloquently put it in a sermon about loving your church family, you can't be my friend, yet hate those who are closest to my heart.

There is an instance where I do remember reading that revenge is not only acceptable, but actually commanded in Scripture (and I'm sure there are more, but this is the one that best serves my memory right now). It is found in the Old Testament Law, that if a person is killed, their family members are to find the murderer and kill him. But I am fully aware that if I want to exercise Old Testament authority, then I must live under Old Testament law, which I don't want at all. The old law brings condemnation, the new covenant affords me peace and reconciliation with my Father in Heaven (Romans 7:10).

So now, here I am, faced with the one situation that has more potential to drag me away from all my determined efforts to live as one set apart for my Jesus. My husband has been slandered, very maliciously, both by men who hate my husband because of his example of honesty and integrity in the workplace, as well as by men who claimed to be his friends. He tried to shrug it off when I inquired after his feelings, but I later happened upon him unawares, and found him torn, broken and bleeding on the inside. You have my word that if I thought for one second that it would not be in vain, I would sit down right now and search my Bible from cover to cover to find permission to wreak vengeance on those men. But I already feel conviction in my heart that such an attitude is not honoring to Him Whose opinion matters the most.

So here I sit, all the hurt and agony at seeing my husband cut down and tormented in front of my eyes, and left there in a bloody heap while I sit helplessly on the sidelines; all the violent rage and fierce bitterness at being forced to allow my husband to be so denigrated, and by those who professed to be his friends!! And finally, all the heartache that comes with being asked to repent, to admit that I, too, am in the wrong; to relinquish my desire for justice and vengeance, and to bless them instead. Oh, but He doesn't stop there! He also asks me, beckons me, yearns for me to consider it joy (Matthew 5:11, James 1:2) that we have this opportunity to show true Christ-like love by forgiving these men and blessing them, and even loving them! Such a thing seems impossible to me.

But maybe that's the point. Are we not told that things are impossible for man, but all things are possible for God (Mark 10:27)? It seems that bad things happen when we depend on our own strength. Hosea 10:13-14a says, "But you have planted wickedness, you have reaped evil, you have eaten the fruit of deception. Because you have depended on your own strength (emphasis mine) and on your many warriors, the roar of battle will rise against all your people, so that all your fortresses will be devestated." I don't want to depend on my own strength, using my anger to fuel my quest for revenge. The world would say, "But you have a right and a responsibility to defend your family!" While I don't disagree with that statement, I think the world has warped the idea of what we should be defending our families from, as well as how that defense should play out. My husband's life is not at stake here. His health, his well-being, is not being threatened. His emotional well-being is what's being wounded . . . but what abilities do I possess to heal his emotions or his spirit? None whatsoever, no matter how badly I want to. I can only point him to the one who can bring him healing. But in order to accomplish that, I must be sure that Jehovah Rapha (God Who Heals) is the One to Whom I am pointing. And how can I point to Him, if I am consumed with thoughts of anger, bitterness, and vengeance? What would I accomplish by exacting revenge on those men, except to remove myself from the lineage of Christ the Savior, and align myself with Satan the Destroyer? What lunacy would prompt me to do something with such decidedly disastrous results??

So my conclusion is that when Jesus says to respond to curses with blessing, He is not asking us to sacrifice our dignity, virtue, and character on the altar of diffidence. To the contrary, He is helping us to retain those qualities! If we will but listen and obey, though it be hard, we will come to understand that even though His ways are higher than our ways (Isaiah 55:9), His ways are perfect (2 Samuel 22:31). We are sojourners in this world, we are not of the world, therefore we cannot behave as the world behaves (1 Peter 2:11, 2 Corinthians 6:17).

Besides all this, to attempt to mete out retribution is to assume a job that does not belong to me, and we all know what happens when we try to take for ourselves what rightfully belongs to God (Lev. 7:3-5, 25; Isa. 14:13-15, to name a few). Afterall, what little child, when bullied, would not look to his father for justice? If that child knew that his father was there to protect him, why would he ball up his tiny little fists to duke it out himself, rather than simply point to the intimidating figure of his father with sleeves rolled up and muscles bulging? God is my Father, and He has said, "It is mine to avenge, I will repay." (1 John 3:1, Deuteronomy 32:35), and I know that He will not fail to keep His Word (Hebrews 6:18).

So, having considered all this, I not only acknowledge Jesus' command in Matt. 5:44, but now I want to obey it. I desire to align myself with my Father, Who loves both me and my husband, and gave Himself for us. I forgive those men, for they act as those who are lost; I cannot expect the lost to act as if they are saved. I bless those men, and pray that God would have mercy on them, and bring them out of the bondage of deception that they are under, so they can hear His Word and see their need for Him. And with my heart safely in my Father's Hands and under His influence, I can now point my husband to my Jehovah Rapha (The God who heals), Jehovah Shalom (The God of peace), Jehovah Sabaoth (God, the Commander of the hosts), Jehovah Jireh (God will provide), Jehovah Nissi (God is my banner) - El Elyon, The Most High God.

Frustrations of the Mother/Teenager relationship

It always seems that having a confrontation with people creates within me an increased desire to communicate my feelings, views, and opinions thoroughly; I feel a need to explore them, to hash it all out, to decide once and for all if I was indeed justified or if I was mistaken and need to repent. I have this need to communicate at all times, but right now, after a long confrontation with my daughter last night, that need has been magnified.

A blog is a wonderful thing for anyone who has a need to communicate. In the olden days, it was called journaling, now it's called blogging, but the end result is the same: I am putting my thoughts down in written format, which forces me to acknowlege my feelings for what they are. Right or wrong, they are there for me and everyone else to see and know, and this helps me to examine myself, as we are told to do in Scripture. I love it. For some reason that I can't quite define, writing my thoughts out seems to satisfy a need that I carry deep within me. This is the mode of choice for the expression of who I truly am. When faced with something that carries high emotion, whether joy, anger, contentment or frustration, even if I am unable to articulate the spoken word to convey my feelings, it can always come out in a rational and useful way when I write.

I began keeping a "diary" when I was about 10 years old. From there, I matured to the ripe old age of 12 (or maybe 11 and a half) and began calling it a journal, "diary" being too immature a term for me to continue using. After filling about 5 journals in one year, on top of the numerous 10-15 page letters that frequently passed between my best friend and myself, I began looking for a more efficient way to communicate. When I was about 14 or so, we got to keep an old computer in our (the girls’) room. It had Corel Word Perfect on it, and I would wait until everyone else fell asleep, and then spend hours journaling about all the goings-on in my small, yet seemingly complicated life, although I freely admit now that it was only my topsy-turvy emotions which made my life complicated. To this day, I wish that I could go back and find that old computer (whatever became of it, I have no idea) and re-read some of the insane things that I surely must have put on screen.

And now, here I am, seemingly a million years and three lifetimes away from that girl I used to be, with a teenage daughter going through all those things I remember so well but have tried so hard to block out. Why, I ask, does life have to come full circle? My mother always told me it would, but I didn’t believe that it would be this bad. At the time that she was dropping those bits of wisdom in my ear, or rather, shouting them in my face, I didn’t really see anything so terribly wrong about dealing with somebody like me. I rather thought she had it a bit easy; afterall, I respected her, I said ‘Yes, Ma’am’ and ‘No, Ma’am’ when addressing her, I was more or less obedient, I was trying my best to live a Godly life, and I had never even come close to anything that could be remotely construed as a ‘wild party’ or even just ‘a party’, unless my parents were present or it was a family function. So what could be so bad about dealing with me?

Little did I realize the magnitude of the "Curse of Life Coming Full Circle" (CLCFC for short) that she placed on me. Little did I realize what it really meant. Now, however, so many years later, I am beginning to fully understand what it all entails. See, the true evil here is not that my daughter is a ‘bad girl’, just like I wasn’t. The true evil is simply that I have certain views and opinions and ways of “doing life” that I subscribe to, and that I believe very strongly in. The problem occurred when my daughter mistakenly began to think that she was somehow "allowed" or "privy to" her own thoughts, opinions and ways of doing life (crazy, I know!). I’m unsure exactly where she got this idea that she was “allowed” to have her own “life”, or even her own view of life, but wherever the idea came from, she embraced it, and now she and I collide quite a bit. And when we do collide, rather than getting her to see things my way, which I try desperately to do each and every time, all I really accomplish is making myself look like an insensitive jerk. It is beyond frustrating. It is almost beyond endurance. I can hardly believe that I deserved any of this.

I can still hear my mother's voice, haunting the far reaches of my memory: "One day, you're going to have a daughter who is just like you, and when you do, you're going to come whining to me about how hard it is, and I'm just going to laugh . . . afterall, it's only fair." At first, as you can imagine, I was angry about her CLCFC, because I knew she did not mean it in a friendly, loving way. But then I decided not to worry about it, because, as previously stated, what could be so bad about dealing with someone like me? Now, however, I realize the error of my ways, but alas, it is far too late to go back and beg her to lift the CLCFC from me. I can only do what she did with the one her mother passed on to her . . . pass it on to my own daughter, and to be quite honest, that is something that I am beginning to look forward to with a nearly inappropriate amount of glee. After all, like my mother said, it's only fair.

Footnote: Everything contained in this blog is true and correct to best of my knowledge; however, the portions of this writing that pertain to my daughter are more of a satirical view of the mother-teen daughter relationship than a reflection of my truest feelings :) I love my daughter very much, as my mother loves me very much. Only mothers of teen daughters can appreciate this writing to the fullest extent, although, in truth, that is not a state that I would wish upon anyone. :D

A confession

Romans 7:15-25
I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now, if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?! Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh, I serve the law of sin.

I don't think I've ever found a passage of Scripture that I identified more readily with than this one. How many times have I gotten on my face before the Lord and cried out in sorrow for my pride, and my anger? And how many times has this been followed by self-centered thoughts, and my anger getting out of control when the children have disobeyed or Sal has done something that I didn't like? I know, even as I am doing it, that it is wrong. But it's like there is a separation between my heart and my mind. In my mind, I am perfectly justified to be thinking or saying whatever I am. But in my heart, I am saying over and over, "Stop! Don't! Hush! That's wrong! Don't say that!"

When I think about the way I truly am, it makes me cry. I feel so helpless to combat the sin that dwells within me. I despise it. I detest it. I want to resist it. But I still do it, and alas, the state of my heart is still the same as it was when I got saved, if not worse! I am still proud, arrogant, selfish, impatient, judgmental, and harsh. I don't want to be, though! I want to be gentle, humble, selfless, patient, kind, and loving. I want those things to be my initial reactions, my gut responses. I don't want to have to think about it. I want those things to be my nature. But they aren't my nature. They are just traits that I read about in the Word of God, and that I desire, but that are the exact opposite of what I truly am.

I agree with Paul: What a wretch I am!! For who will rescue me from this death?! But, just as he said, the answer is in Jesus. Jesus took on the cross, with all my anger, impatience, pride, and every other sin, so that I could be free from this sin that dwells within me. I no longer have to be a slave to it; I can be a slave to righteousness instead. I do love God's Word with all of my heart. I love Him with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. I love Him with every ounce of my being. I so desire for Him to have everything in me. And I agree that His laws are good, and His Word is true, even though, physically speaking, I am condemned by it because of my sin. But therein lies the beauty of it: There is no more condemnation for me now, because of Christ Jesus!

So I will wait, and I will continue to fall on my face before the Lord, and I will still cry out in sorrow and repentance for my sins. And I will eagerly await the day that He will wash it all away from me. I look forward to the day when the chains of sin will be broken off of me forever - the day that I can finally love the Lord as I truly want to: with my actions as well as with my words, with my body as well as with my heart.

I pray that day comes very soon. I invite Him to come and change me; I need Him to come and change me. I can only imagine what my life would look like right now if I did not live as a slave to sin. If I was truly able to give my life, body, soul, spirit, mind, and everything else completely and totally to His service, what could be accomplished for the Kingdom?

One thing I have, though it is bittersweet. In Luke 7:41-43, Jesus tells a story that many of us are familiar with. A creditor had two customers who owed him money. One owed him a small amount, and one owed him a great deal. Neither one could pay the creditor back, so he generously cancelled the debt of both men. Then Jesus asks, "Now which man will love him more?" The Pharisee to whom he was speaking answered, "The one who had the bigger debt cancelled" and Jesus affirmed his answer. So, according to that principle, I will have a capacity of love for Jesus that will probably be unprecedented in the age to come. But, to be honest, it's not much consolation, because it means, by default, that my sins are so numerous that they are unprecedented in the present age. I believe Paul said something to this effect when he said, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief."

Even though I am grieved by the sin that still ensnares me, I have hope. I have hope because I know that the Blood of Jesus is more powerful than anything else. It is much more powerful than the sin which dwells in my flesh. I know that my Jesus is Mighty to save . . . and He can save me, even though it often looks to be hopeless to me. Praise and thanks be to Jesus Christ our Lord, who saves us from our sin and cleanses us from all unrighteousness!!

Doorways

How many of you can relate to this scenario?

Your spouse comes home early. You have a vague feeling that something bad has happened, but you try to squelch the warning sirens going off in your mind. You calmly ask why they're home early, and they say the words you were dreading. Like atom bombs going mercilessly off one after the other, they explode in your mind with torturous clarity: I. . . LOST . . . MY . . . JOB! You wait for one painful moment before reacting, praying desperatly that it's all some cruel joke. But then, slowly, deliberately, you raise your eyes to meet those of your spouse, and in the pain, you read the confirmation that you did not want. A torrent of different emotions begin raging in you: fear, for how will you pay your mortgage, buy groceries, support your children without this income? Anger, at whomever is responsible, be it your spouse, their boss, coworkers, "fate", or even God. Hopelessness, for how in today's economy can a stable, profitable job be secured? Betrayal, for how could your spouse allow this to happen when they knew how much the entire family depended on that income? Guilt, for you begin to wonder how you may have contributed to whatever circumstances caused this job loss. Did you give enough support? Did you help them get all the rest they needed so they could be focused and clear-minded? Did you pile up unrealistic expectations in addition to the demands they had to meet at work? Reasonable or not, you struggle with these fears and emotions, while your spouse stands there, enduring your silence, waiting for you to say something, needing your love and support, fearing your anger and disappointment. But in that moment, no words of comfort can you give, and no words of comfort can you receive. You are utterly void, and the only thing you know is insecurity.

In this struggling economic time, I'm sure there are many people who can relate all too well to the scenario I described above. Unfortunately for me, however, this is not just a scenario that I created for the purpose of my blog. It is a reality that I have been faced with very recently. In fact, this is the second time I have been faced with such a reality as this. The first time was 2 months after the September 11th attacks. My husband and I both lost our jobs on the very same day, both of us laid off due to the declining economy.

Now I find myself facing it yet again. Strangely, even after 9 years, the emotions and the fears were exactly the same. The hopelessness that welled up and threatened to overwhelm me was the same hopelessness that I felt all those years ago standing in my bedroom with my whole world crumbling down around me.

But then something dawned on me. Something that I knew, but didn't notice. My reactions were exactly the same as they were the first time! Exactly the same, even though I've been through it before, and I saw firsthand how God provided for us through 6 months of unemployment. That's when I realized, my hurt and fear in 2001 opened a doorway to the Enemy that I have left open all these years. Upon further thought, I realize that everytime I'm faced with a negative change, or anything that may even vaguely threaten my sense of security, I tend to always react with these same emotions, and even these emotions tend to follow the same pattern. First comes the denial, then the fears as I mentally check off all the things that will necessarily be affected by this; then comes anger as I seek to place the blame on whomsoever I can find that seems likely to have played a part in bringing the circumstances about. This is then inevitably followed by guilt as I weigh my own actions, and look for all the ways that I may be the one who deserves the blame. All of these emotions are blanketed by a consuming hopelessness that sucks the life, energy, and ability to reason, completely out of me.

But something has happened that the Enemy was not counting on. I had been given the tools that I needed to combat him many years ago when I became a Christian, but I did not know how to properly use them, although I thought I did. But I have recently learned how to use them effectively. So now, about 10 or 20 minutes into my swirling whirlwind of emotions, I suddenly realized what was happening, and I closed the door to the anxiety, the fear, the anger, the condemnation, and the hopelessness. I have closed the doorway that I had left open all these years. I have retracted the open invitation I had given him to wreak havoc in my life.

And an amazing thing happened when I silenced the Enemy and closed the doorway: I felt peace. A peace in the midst of a job loss at the worst time of year and at a bad time economically. A peace that truly surpasses understanding. I felt the Hand of God over me, assuring me that He was present, and He is my Provider. It is He Who brings us food, and pays our mortgage and clothes my children. Not myself, and not my husband, but my Lord.

If you know me, and you love me, please pray for us, that the Enemy would continue to be powerless to destroy our family, and please join us in thanking God in advance for His provision, for I am very sure that it is coming.

But, Friend, if you have found yourself in the very same boat, please be encouraged that all is not as hopeless as it seems. There is peace to be found, and there is a Hope that will never fail you. If you don't understand, but you would like to, or if you simply need a listening ear from one who has walked this path before, I am here for you.

"The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach the good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion - to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor."
- Isaiah 61:1-3 (emphasis mine)

Cars, Jobs and Growing Up: Reflections from the Mom of a Teenager

So here we are at the brink. But before I can talk myself into taking the plunge, I have to reflect a little bit... you know, make sure that everything is in order and all before I let go of the reins, so to speak.

When I first saw this little bundle of love, she was 6 years old. She was a cutie, but a bit spoiled. She was my niece, and I absolutely loved the idea of being an "aunt" to someone. Visions of trips to the ice cream store filled my head. But life got in the way, and when that was combined by the hour's distance that we lived from each other, it's easy to understand that we never really connected as much as I wanted to. Of course there was the occasional visit, but nothing solid enough to let a sturdy relationship develop.

When I next had an opportunity to actually spend some time getting to know her, she had already turned 12. Time, it seemed, had gotten away from me. She was no longer a bundle of joy and wonder and energy; a sadness and a certain fear had darkened her countenance now. I wondered at it. I wanted to ask, but I was afraid. I was afraid that she would not want to open up to me; but I was also afraid of what I would hear if she did. I was afraid of what I would have to do with the information I was given.

One night, I went to her house, and for the first time, I got a sampling of the secret life which this precious one had been living. I was afraid for her and for her brother and sister. I feared for their safety. Completely on the impulse of the moment, I took them home with me that night. Even though we were attempting to fit 7 of us into a vehicle that only had 5 seatbelts, I knew it had to be safer than leaving them where they were. I was told over and over before we left how bad they were, that I wouldn't be able to handle them, and that I would surely be bringing them back at the first opportunity. But I knew better. Unbeknownst to me, that night completely changed the course of my future as well as theirs.

They were with me a total of two weeks. I finally got the courage to ask her, and she opened up to me, and all my fears were realized. I did what I could; I knew it wouldn't be sufficient to effect any lasting change, but at the time, it was all I could do. I felt so helpless, but then I heard from God. He told me that He was giving me the children. I knew it, and was at peace with it. It would be less than four months before He would begin to carry out His plan. From the time those changes began to take place, it would be a very long, very agonizing 22 months before those changes would be made permanent. But time marched on, and finally, she was mine. But instead of having a new bundle of joy and excitement, I received a bundle of wounds and fear and mistrust. She was so beautiful, but so hurt.

At times I felt overwhelmed with the task laid before me. How are you to love someone when they aren't loving you back? It sounds like such a flippant answer to say to someone in that situation, "Well, of course, you know that love is a choice, not a feeling." Let me tell you, Friend: the reality of living that out is so much harder than anyone who has never had to do it can imagine. God had to change a lot of things in me in order to make anything that I said or did effective. It seems like the things I learned first were all the things I shouldn't do. How we made it through the first year with all of our mental faculties intact, I know not, but we did.

And now, only two short years after she was finally given to me, here I am, having to let her go. I wonder if anything that I've done has been worthwhile. I seem only to remember everything I've done that was destructive, rather than instructive. I can't remember any big "Aha!" moments, when I realized that everything I had tried imparting to her finally took root in her mind. But then I remind myself that God did not give me an impossible task. To my way of thinking, taking someone from a lifetime of abuse and attempting to undo the damage done, as well as giving them a crash course in God, Jesus, the Bible, salvation, trust, freedom, joy, service, education, healthy communication, making wise choices, avoiding temptation, driving, shopping, budgeting, and generally managing their own lives, all within two years is a pretty impossible task. But that's not really the task that God gave me. The only task He gave me was to love her, and to lead her to Him. That I have accomplished. All the other things are secondary.

My main task has been accomplished. By that reckoning, she is ready. She's ready for me to let go of her hand so that she can grab hold of Jesus' Hands with both of hers. Does it hurt? A little, yes. Is it hard? Very much so. But I trust that Jesus can do a much better job with her than I ever could, and I believe that she has learned how to listen to Him. So my heart is at peace, and I am now ready to take the plunge into the unknown . . . into having a grown daughter.