Romans 7:15-25
I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now, if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?! Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh, I serve the law of sin.
I don't think I've ever found a passage of Scripture that I identified more readily with than this one. How many times have I gotten on my face before the Lord and cried out in sorrow for my pride, and my anger? And how many times has this been followed by self-centered thoughts, and my anger getting out of control when the children have disobeyed or Sal has done something that I didn't like? I know, even as I am doing it, that it is wrong. But it's like there is a separation between my heart and my mind. In my mind, I am perfectly justified to be thinking or saying whatever I am. But in my heart, I am saying over and over, "Stop! Don't! Hush! That's wrong! Don't say that!"
When I think about the way I truly am, it makes me cry. I feel so helpless to combat the sin that dwells within me. I despise it. I detest it. I want to resist it. But I still do it, and alas, the state of my heart is still the same as it was when I got saved, if not worse! I am still proud, arrogant, selfish, impatient, judgmental, and harsh. I don't want to be, though! I want to be gentle, humble, selfless, patient, kind, and loving. I want those things to be my initial reactions, my gut responses. I don't want to have to think about it. I want those things to be my nature. But they aren't my nature. They are just traits that I read about in the Word of God, and that I desire, but that are the exact opposite of what I truly am.
I agree with Paul: What a wretch I am!! For who will rescue me from this death?! But, just as he said, the answer is in Jesus. Jesus took on the cross, with all my anger, impatience, pride, and every other sin, so that I could be free from this sin that dwells within me. I no longer have to be a slave to it; I can be a slave to righteousness instead. I do love God's Word with all of my heart. I love Him with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. I love Him with every ounce of my being. I so desire for Him to have everything in me. And I agree that His laws are good, and His Word is true, even though, physically speaking, I am condemned by it because of my sin. But therein lies the beauty of it: There is no more condemnation for me now, because of Christ Jesus!
So I will wait, and I will continue to fall on my face before the Lord, and I will still cry out in sorrow and repentance for my sins. And I will eagerly await the day that He will wash it all away from me. I look forward to the day when the chains of sin will be broken off of me forever - the day that I can finally love the Lord as I truly want to: with my actions as well as with my words, with my body as well as with my heart.
I pray that day comes very soon. I invite Him to come and change me; I need Him to come and change me. I can only imagine what my life would look like right now if I did not live as a slave to sin. If I was truly able to give my life, body, soul, spirit, mind, and everything else completely and totally to His service, what could be accomplished for the Kingdom?
One thing I have, though it is bittersweet. In Luke 7:41-43, Jesus tells a story that many of us are familiar with. A creditor had two customers who owed him money. One owed him a small amount, and one owed him a great deal. Neither one could pay the creditor back, so he generously cancelled the debt of both men. Then Jesus asks, "Now which man will love him more?" The Pharisee to whom he was speaking answered, "The one who had the bigger debt cancelled" and Jesus affirmed his answer. So, according to that principle, I will have a capacity of love for Jesus that will probably be unprecedented in the age to come. But, to be honest, it's not much consolation, because it means, by default, that my sins are so numerous that they are unprecedented in the present age. I believe Paul said something to this effect when he said, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief."
Even though I am grieved by the sin that still ensnares me, I have hope. I have hope because I know that the Blood of Jesus is more powerful than anything else. It is much more powerful than the sin which dwells in my flesh. I know that my Jesus is Mighty to save . . . and He can save me, even though it often looks to be hopeless to me. Praise and thanks be to Jesus Christ our Lord, who saves us from our sin and cleanses us from all unrighteousness!!
I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now, if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?! Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh, I serve the law of sin.
I don't think I've ever found a passage of Scripture that I identified more readily with than this one. How many times have I gotten on my face before the Lord and cried out in sorrow for my pride, and my anger? And how many times has this been followed by self-centered thoughts, and my anger getting out of control when the children have disobeyed or Sal has done something that I didn't like? I know, even as I am doing it, that it is wrong. But it's like there is a separation between my heart and my mind. In my mind, I am perfectly justified to be thinking or saying whatever I am. But in my heart, I am saying over and over, "Stop! Don't! Hush! That's wrong! Don't say that!"
When I think about the way I truly am, it makes me cry. I feel so helpless to combat the sin that dwells within me. I despise it. I detest it. I want to resist it. But I still do it, and alas, the state of my heart is still the same as it was when I got saved, if not worse! I am still proud, arrogant, selfish, impatient, judgmental, and harsh. I don't want to be, though! I want to be gentle, humble, selfless, patient, kind, and loving. I want those things to be my initial reactions, my gut responses. I don't want to have to think about it. I want those things to be my nature. But they aren't my nature. They are just traits that I read about in the Word of God, and that I desire, but that are the exact opposite of what I truly am.
I agree with Paul: What a wretch I am!! For who will rescue me from this death?! But, just as he said, the answer is in Jesus. Jesus took on the cross, with all my anger, impatience, pride, and every other sin, so that I could be free from this sin that dwells within me. I no longer have to be a slave to it; I can be a slave to righteousness instead. I do love God's Word with all of my heart. I love Him with all my heart, mind, soul, and strength. I love Him with every ounce of my being. I so desire for Him to have everything in me. And I agree that His laws are good, and His Word is true, even though, physically speaking, I am condemned by it because of my sin. But therein lies the beauty of it: There is no more condemnation for me now, because of Christ Jesus!
So I will wait, and I will continue to fall on my face before the Lord, and I will still cry out in sorrow and repentance for my sins. And I will eagerly await the day that He will wash it all away from me. I look forward to the day when the chains of sin will be broken off of me forever - the day that I can finally love the Lord as I truly want to: with my actions as well as with my words, with my body as well as with my heart.
I pray that day comes very soon. I invite Him to come and change me; I need Him to come and change me. I can only imagine what my life would look like right now if I did not live as a slave to sin. If I was truly able to give my life, body, soul, spirit, mind, and everything else completely and totally to His service, what could be accomplished for the Kingdom?
One thing I have, though it is bittersweet. In Luke 7:41-43, Jesus tells a story that many of us are familiar with. A creditor had two customers who owed him money. One owed him a small amount, and one owed him a great deal. Neither one could pay the creditor back, so he generously cancelled the debt of both men. Then Jesus asks, "Now which man will love him more?" The Pharisee to whom he was speaking answered, "The one who had the bigger debt cancelled" and Jesus affirmed his answer. So, according to that principle, I will have a capacity of love for Jesus that will probably be unprecedented in the age to come. But, to be honest, it's not much consolation, because it means, by default, that my sins are so numerous that they are unprecedented in the present age. I believe Paul said something to this effect when he said, "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief."
Even though I am grieved by the sin that still ensnares me, I have hope. I have hope because I know that the Blood of Jesus is more powerful than anything else. It is much more powerful than the sin which dwells in my flesh. I know that my Jesus is Mighty to save . . . and He can save me, even though it often looks to be hopeless to me. Praise and thanks be to Jesus Christ our Lord, who saves us from our sin and cleanses us from all unrighteousness!!
1 comment:
Wow !!!, Jenny, that is really powerful and I think so true of many of us. God is wonderful and can save us!! I think by the way you feel so deeply about your sin and wanting to be rescued from it, shows that God is already working inside you!! I love you, and thank you for pouring your heart out.....
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